Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Ch-ch-change: Trying to Recapture the Courage of Young Adulthood

sometimes we need a little extra help to get where we need to go...

I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately. Wanting it, planning for it and being scared of it. I’m having a hard time finding the courage to make big, scary changes. I’ve been doubting myself and wondering if I really have the courage to go through with it, but being back in France reminded me that I am the kind of person who moved abroad. And I am the kind of person who moved to a new state 1,200 miles from home where I didn’t know anyone. I used to try a lot more new things, and when I think back on my happiest times over the last ten years, it was spent doing new things, trying new things and making changes. Those times were sure full of a lot more daily adventures than my life is now, and I miss it.

The thing is, though, I was scared to make all of those changes then too. I didn’t just waltz on over to France thinking boy, have I got it figured out. I was terrified, and after I arrived, I spent a good amount of time wondering if I had made a huge mistake. When I moved to Portland for an internship and was all alone, Elsa was my only friend – that’s a little scary.

I’ve always said I hate change. I like to have my routines and make my plans, and I’ve had this idea that I hate change. One time several years ago, I said this to my mother-in-law, and she said well, for someone who says they hate change, you’re sure good at it.

It has been so easy for us to settle into a nice and comfortable life in Santa Fe with retirement accounts and a mortgage, and I know it is going to be hard to uproot all of that, but I’m trying to remember that I do have the courage. I can do it, and in the end, I’ll be so happy I did. Plus, although it’s hard with a mortgage and student loans, it is sure a lot easier with a partner.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Letting Go and Moving On

So, it’s been a month since The Plan went into action. A lot has changed. I’ve removed myself from a toxic situation. I had the courage to stand up for myself one last time and then I left, and I’m trying not to look back. Moving on and letting go is the name of the game these days.

A big part of being able to do this was gaining some distance and traveling pretty far away geographically and culturally from Santa Fe. I thought a beach vacation would be nice, but on a whim we decided to go to Barcelona and Paris instead. Before I moved to New Mexico, I spent a lot of time in France traveling, studying and teaching and it seemed like a good place to reset and find that part of me I felt like I had lost. This trip was a wonderful whirlwind of wandering narrow streets, eating amazing food, drinking cava and red wine, and reminiscing, but it was also a great time to be really far away from home, regain some footing and remember that life is so much more than what has been bogging me down from day to day. Back soon with recaps – mostly of what we ate…
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