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I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately. Wanting it, planning for it and being scared of it. I’m having a hard time finding the courage to make big, scary changes. I’ve been doubting myself and wondering if I really have the courage to go through with it, but being back in France reminded me that I am the kind of person who moved abroad. And I am the kind of person who moved to a new state 1,200 miles from home where I didn’t know anyone. I used to try a lot more new things, and when I think back on my happiest times over the last ten years, it was spent doing new things, trying new things and making changes. Those times were sure full of a lot more daily adventures than my life is now, and I miss it.
The thing is, though, I was scared to make all of those changes then too. I didn’t just waltz on over to France thinking boy, have I got it figured out. I was terrified, and after I arrived, I spent a good amount of time wondering if I had made a huge mistake. When I moved to Portland for an internship and was all alone, Elsa was my only friend – that’s a little scary.
I’ve always said I hate change. I like to have my routines and make my plans, and I’ve had this idea that I hate change. One time several years ago, I said this to my mother-in-law, and she said well, for someone who says they hate change, you’re sure good at it.
It has been so easy for us to settle into a nice and comfortable life in Santa Fe with retirement accounts and a mortgage, and I know it is going to be hard to uproot all of that, but I’m trying to remember that I do have the courage. I can do it, and in the end, I’ll be so happy I did. Plus, although it’s hard with a mortgage and student loans, it is sure a lot easier with a partner.